chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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