And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
