I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
