a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
