I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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