im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
