this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
