I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
