The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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