new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
