According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sarcasm needs its own font
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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