I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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