i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
