there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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