i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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