dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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