went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
