I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
