Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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