When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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