mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
