Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
