i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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