some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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