You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
