well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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