I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
