I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
