I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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