yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
