My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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