I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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