Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
