There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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