i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
