pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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