Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He passed out mid-signature
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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