First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
