dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize