Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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