new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you win again, gameday.
You're like the curious george of whores
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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