Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
smell my finger.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
