I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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