you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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