The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
NoShamevember. You game?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
