I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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