you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
