watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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