I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
