Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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