I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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