so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
