Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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