youre lurking in front of me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
