Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
