to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
