so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
