Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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