He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize