im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
