I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
