You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
