we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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