just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
