From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
