dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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