So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
