sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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