I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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